Oh, CPAC. Let’s see, what happened?
The Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center is a hilarious place to hold anything. It is a weird human terrarium full of fake trees and an imaginary village, next to a magnificent Ferris wheel with a view of … nothing. Any journalist looking for a metaphor for a self-reinforcing bubble need not look far. (I only go there for the spelling bee and the Conservative Political Action Conference. The two demographics are widely different. One is full of hopeful kids whose families came to America from all over the world and who are full of good sportsmanship and are increasing our national brainpower by vast amounts. The other one — isn’t.)
At CPAC, red skirts with elephants on them and cognitive dissonance abound.
What happened? Ted Cruz said that there was going to be another vacancy on the Supreme Court this year. (TED CRUZ, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?) If it turns out that Ted Cruz is slithering through the drains by night to sneak erroneous nutrition information to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s personal trainer, I shall never forgive him. Maybe he heard that the Supreme Court was run on Klingon principles and that if you took one out, you got to become one. Or maybe it wasn’t a threat at all and Justice Anthony Kennedy is just planning to retire, or something.
Kellyanne Conway explained that she was raised by a group of women she described as “the Golden Girls” and that this accounts for who she is as a person. That’s right, THE GOLDEN GIRLS DID THIS. Thanks, Betty White.
Everything that was wrong with the country was revealed to be the fault of liberal agitators, and Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus shared their secrets to keeping the fire alive after all these rough months.
Neo-Nazi Richard Spencer and I now have something in common: We both went to CPAC and we both did not enjoy it, although for different reasons. Also, we thought its denunciation of the alt-right was confusing. But Spencer got removed by security and was offered a refund, whereas I am still here typing. Fred Christ Trump, is Richard Spencer winning this one?
“I feel very welcome here. Nobody’s punching me … yet,” Spencer observed to the media who surrounded him, shortly before he was removed.
CPAC can be defined as the subset of people who will not punch Richard Spencer but will evict him, and will then applaud Steve Bannon for making a similar case from the stage several octaves higher in a register audible only to dogs.
All I can say is: Boy, what a relief that Milo Yiannopoulos was not there. He sometimes did not mean the inflammatory things he said, and that would have been confusing.